Delusional

EDIT: My tattoo is finally finished!

So I’m feeling MUCH better now…I can’t even believe I’m posting on this site more than once a month right now, but I’ve just been in a such a great mood that I feel I should spread the happiness. Haha. That was gay. But really, I feel great. One post ago, not so much, but things have taken a turn for the better, and I couldn’t be more ecstatic about it.

I went and saw “The Dark Knight” yesterday, which was fucking BADASS. You should DEFINITELY, without question, go to see it. Heath Ledger’s performance was fucking incredible.

What else? There’s seriously not much going on to post about. I’ve been doing my little ballet thing, which unfortunately, ends on Friday. Lame. But there’s a chick in my class that is doing a choreography piece, and she asked me to be in it, so I’m flattered and excited about that. We start rehearsal this Saturday, I believe. I think the actual performance is sometime in late August. Other than that, I’ve been DREADING even thinking about school starting again. Mainly because I have to take this psychology statistics course. I have no choice…Blah, so shitty. But knowing that I’ll be able to transfer back to a university after this semester is giving me some motivation to get in there and knock it out. I’ve done an amazing job bringing my GPA back up after only 3 semesters, so I feel a little more confident than I did previously.

Oh yeah! I got a new tattoo! It’s on my back between my shoulder blades, and it’s the new Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon logo from the Roger Waters tour. I’ll upload a picture of it when I can get someone to take one of it. There pretty much no way I can do it myself. Well, maybe I can with my webcam… Whatever, I’ll get a picture of it up sometime in the near future. It’s effing sweet!

EDIT:

Also, I’ve had SO much inspiration to write lately. I’ve written SO much shit that I don’t know what to do with it. I had started writing this book when I was about 16, and after awhile, I just hit a wall, put it down, and didn’t fuck with it for a long time. But I’ve been toying around with it a bit lately (after much encouragement from *someone*), and I’m happy to say that I’ve written an entirely new chapter, which makes it 6 chapters long now, and I think only a few more to go. We’ll see where I end up with it. Hopefully I’ll decide to finish it. It’s crazy to read it and watch the changes in my attitude and everything since I was 16 and picked up the pen. Good shit.

But that’s about all that’s going on. I hope everyone is having an awesome summer like I am, and I’ll post again sometime soon. I’ll be going to Seattle on the 31st, so probably not until after that. Whatever, there’s only about 2 people that regularly visit this site anyway, so thanks to whoever the fuck reads this nonsense. Peace.

Edit: There are about 45 new pictures in the Summer ‘08 album.

The accumulation of any emotion can be overwhelming, especially when it involves someone else, but when is the right time to stand, and when is the right time to turn around and run? To look into someone’s eyes and see one thing, one feeling, and then to hear something you didn’t see in those eyes is heart wrenching. How do we ever know how to feel? And if we do, how do we know the right way to handle it? Or do we ever? What if we’re doing something we think is right but then it turns out to be dead wrong? I wonder how we’d ever know. To take a chance would be to stand or place someone in the line of fire, but without these chances, we are not human. But with these chances, our hearts are left open to hurt, betrayal, and fear. All of which are seemingly right reasons to run. But are these not things we would experience no matter where or how far we run? So many questions and never a clear answer. To watch someone close to you do something you know is so wrong is utter torture, but to not be able to change it is sheer helplessness. How do you tell someone they’re making an awful mistake, and more importantly, how do you make them realize it? I mean REALLY realize it. You can’t. We all hold such an illusion of control over our feelings, but when those feelings are questioned, we really know nothing, and we have no control. But, God, we are so willing and able to pretend that we’ve got it all together. And in that moment, we become so content in that fantasy that we really know nothing at all, and we realize we couldn’t be farther from having it all together. Control is obselete, non-existent, but still we cannot let it go. It may be easy to do things for the purpose of not hurting another, but sometimes that only hurts worse, and it all comes back to that look in their eyes. How much can we actually see? How could we ever know what is best for someone else, no matter how much we may know them or ourselves? That is something we can only guess and may just be the one thing we have the least control over. To be hurt by someone who has the most selfless intentions in their eyes hurts worse than being hurt by someone whose eyes hold only hate and coldness. I guess some things really are too good to be true, and those are the things that are the hardest to rid your thoughts of. Those are the things that truly, deeply hurt the heart the most.

(There are about 35 new pictures in the photo gallery in the Summer ‘08 album…..)

Jesus Christ, I’m hungover. Like one of those shitty hangovers that you feel before you even passed out the night before, and then you can’t sleep for shit and end up getting up 5 hours after laying down because your headache is so massive that there’s just no use trying anymore. Yeah, one of those. That’s what I get to suffer through today. And the shitty thing about hangovers is that there’s no one to blame but your own stupid self. That makes it even more annoying to me.

So, there’s a bunch of craziness going on as usual. Adam, the guy I was dating at one point, is pissed off because I put up pictures with a guy on my myspace. What the fuck is the deal with fucking Myspace anyway? It’s like stalker heaven for even the most normal of people, it appears. So anyway, and I’m not trying to be mean, but that’s MY fucking business, right? I mean, sure, I agree to let anyone see my page that I added as a friend, but when I’m not even dating someone anymore, do they reserve the right to get pissed off at me for posting some pictures? And not only get angry at the pictures, but then move on to bashing my best friend and the guy in the pictures, both of whom he hasn’t the slightest clue about on a personal level. People are so quick to judge. It’s so frustrating that the world is like that. But I guess that’s an entire Mel-ish rant that I’ll save for another day.

Moving on…DAWN IS IN TOWN! YAY! She’s been here since Saturday and will be here until the 16th, which will be the day after my 25th birthday. Crazy that I’ve had a blog up since I was 19, minus about a year when I didn’t post and took my site down. That will be almost 6 years of this shit. Amazing. Even so, there’s still tons of people that I still talk to that I knew from way back when I started that first website. Like Andy, Stu, of course Nicole, and even this cool mofo named Rafael still comes back this way sometimes. Jesus…I know I’m not old, but thinking back to that time makes me feel really fucking old. Haha…So ANYWAY, back to what the fuck I was originally saying, I’m so excited that Dawn got to come in town for my birthday. Only bad thing is I know I’m going to have plenty more of these hangovers before she’s gone, but she’s worth it, and we don’t get to spend this much time together EVER, so I’ll let it slide. Plus, I’m sure there will be a shitload more pictures up by the time she leaves, so that’s badass as well. Does it sound right to say “badass as well,” or should it be “badass, too”? Eh, who cares…Sometimes shit just sounds weird…like everything I say. Haha…What the fuck am I even talking about?

Let me try to regain a little focus here…But no, fuck you…It’s my website, and if I want to be random and stupid, then that’s what’s going to happen. But in all seriousness, I’ve been so happy lately. Like waking up everyday feeling like I have something to look forward to, even when I don’t. Just a constant at-ease feeling. It’s fucking wonderful. There are some reasons for this, but we’ll discuss them at a later time when I can see what’s happening with all of it. But just know that, damnit, I feel great, and that’s the most amazing feeling…surreal and unexplainable. I’ve just been trying to do shit a little differently. You know, instead of thinking THEN feeling, I’ve been feeling THEN thinking (hopefully not too much). But again, it’s no use in saying all of this when nobody has any idea what the fuck I’m even talking about, so I’ll save it for another day. I’m just going to live right now and not let anything get in the way of it.

Anyway, that’s about all that’s going on here. I may not post for awhile, but know that I will still be posting pictures while Dawn is here, and I’ll definitely be putting up pictures from my birthday after that comes and goes. I’ll make edits to this post when I upload these said photos, so check back if you give a shit. Good talking as always. Peace.

I guess I visit my Myspace more than my website, so this is my once a month visit. Or 3 month visit, or however the fuck long it’s been. I’m finally finished with school and happy to say that I’m taking the summer off. It was extremely stressful towards the end, and I don’t think I’m one of those people that can take 15 hours a semester. Two of the 5 classes were 4-credit courses, so that’s a lot more work than a 3-credit course. Either way, I’m just happy it’s over. Goodbye burden.

So even though I took the semester off from educational classes, I’ve decided that I’ll be doing ballet 3 days a week anyway, just to keep myself from melting into my couch. I’m really enjoying dancing again, and had forgotten how relaxing and fun it is. So I think I’ll continue to do it, since it’s a great way to stay active during school, and it keeps me from getting stir crazy everyday.

On a badass note, I got to go to the most AWESOME and UNBELIEVABLE concert EVER. My Dad and I went to see Roger Waters in Houston on May 28th. I think it was May 28th? Whatever. We went, and it was the coolest experience of my life. I’ve grown up listening to Pink Floyd. In fact, I remember my Dad watching “The Wall” movie with me when I was about 7, so needless to say, it’s stuck with me over the years, and I’ve always complained about the fact that they were no longer together, and I would never get to see them in concert. It chapped my ass even more that my Dad’s first concert EVER was Pink Floyd at Madison Square Garden. So anyway, I’m digging through Ticketmaster trying to find tickets for “Phantom of the Opera,” (don’t hate), and on the front page were concert dates for the Roger Waters tour. I was like “Fuck Yeah!” So I tell my Dad, and of course he doesn’t say no, so we payed a pretty penny for some really good seats, got piss drunk, and sung the entire show. Unreal. He sounds no different than he did on any Pink Floyd album, and he played for a good 2 1/2 hours. Not only was it the most awesome experience to see him in concert, but to see it with my Dad was more than cool and definitely unforgettable. I will scan the program sometime and put it up here or on my Myspace.

Moving on, for quite some time now, Dawn and I have been trying to figure out what happened to one of our old friends who we usually keep in touch with from time to time. We noticed she hadn’t logged into Myspace since September, which is really strange for her, and nobody has heard anything about what’s going on with her. So–and I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before–I googled her name, and come to find out, she was arrested in September in some huge drug ring conspiracy, and she pled guilty to possession of cocaine with intent to distribute about 3 kilograms of that shit. Fucking wild. The worst part (well, not the worst part, but whatever) is that she and her friends were going to fly to Houston and drive the shit back to New Orleans, while only getting payed $1,000 to do it…And I don’t mean $1,000 each…The two of them were going to split the money. What the fuck? If I were to do something that stupid, thoughtless, and risky, I sure as hell wouldn’t do it for 500 bucks. So, she hasn’t been sentenced yet, but I’m guessing she’ll be doing some serious time. What a shame. She was really a nice girl…Stupid, but nice.

What else? Let me go ahead and throw in a shameless plug. Check out my friends’ band on Myspace. They’re called Bionic Gorilla Project, and they rock! Haha.

Uno mas…If you’re at all interested in neuroscience and/or brain phenomena, or even if you’re not, you should definitely check out this book that I just read. It’s called “Phantoms in the Brain.” It is seriously one of the best books I’ve ever read, and it’s insanely intriguing. Here’s a link to a website that gives a summary and also some quotes from the book: http://www.nobeliefs.com/Ramachandran.htm.

Blah blah blah…I guess there’s not shit going on besides that. Right now, I’m pretty much just looking forward to flying up to Seattle sometime this summer to see my big bro, Dawn will be visiting a couple of times, I will hopefully fly out to New Orleans at some point, and me and my parents (possibly my brother, too) are going to a Dave Matthews concert in August. I’m pretty much all set for the summer, so we’ll see how it plays out. You guys take care, and I have no idea when I’ll post again, so I won’t waste your time with any promises (like anyone cares). Peace.

Okay, so thank you to whoever went to the internet archive “way back machine” and somehow got to this website, landing the URL into my sitemeter referrals. Let me explain. I never knew there was a HUGE internet archive with billions of old websites. So basically, I found my old website on there and have already spent at least 2 hours digging through most of it, laughing at all of my old blogs. It seems like I spent most of my time cussing out the TONS of assholes that used to visit the site and leave fucked up comments and what-not. Haha. Those were the days. I really did used to blog almost every day, and it’s crazy to look back and see how many people came to my site. I remember at one point I was getting about 200 visitors a day. That shit is nuts. And it was even funnier when I searched for cam-mafia.com. So much funny, old shit and so many hilarious arguments. I KNOW there are a lot of people that remember and miss that site, which makes me wonder…What ever happened to Ruca? Anyway, here’s the link to the archive site: Internet Archive. Go reminisce if you’ve got some time to kill. The only shitty thing is that sometimes it’s super slow, and sometimes it also says it failed to connect to the server, but usually if you click it one or two more times, it will come up. The crappy part is that it didn’t archive almost all of my photo gallery. Some of it is there, but not really. Either way, reading the blogs is entertainment enough. What a strange 5 years it has been.

Moving on, school is going pretty well. I’ve been so overwhelmed, though. 15 hours feels like A LOT more than the 12 I was taking last semester. Good news is that I was the ONLY person in my Physical Geology class to make an “A” on the first test. There was one “A,” 2 “C’s,” and everyone else made below that, so needless to say, I’m pretty fucking proud of myself. It was a REALLY hard test. And to think I was SO worried about this class because of the 77 year-old teacher with the awful accent (see post below.)

As far as my other classes, it’s been pretty decent. I haven’t made anything less than a “B” so far, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed that I’ll make it through the last 8 weeks with the same kind of grades. I just seriously feel like I don’t have time for anything besides schoolwork, and on top of that, I’ve recently gotten into this mood where I have absolutely no motivation to do any of it. I mean, I still do it, but it takes everything I have to make myself. I hate feeling like that. I didn’t feel like that at all last semester or the one before. I don’t know what’s going on. My psychiatrist put me back on my Aderall to see if maybe it would help, so I guess time will tell. I’m really hoping it’ll work.

What else has been going on with me lately…Umm…I went to the Marilyn Manson concert in Houston last weekend, which was AWESOME. He didn’t get on the stilts or have the prosthetic arms like he did last time I saw him, but still a badass show. Only crazy part was that he lit a Bible on fire during one of his songs. I’m not very religious, but still, I wasn’t quite sure how to feel about that. One part of me was saying that it was fucked up, and another part of me was thinking that it was awesome, given the song he was singing. Now I don’t remember which song it was, but I just remember thinking that at the time. *shrug* I guess one has to expect that kind of thing from Marilyn Manson. After all, he does have a kind of shock-rock reputation. And honestly, I don’t think any holy-rollers would go out of their way to attend one of his shows anyway. But whatever, it doesn’t matter.

So FINALLY, I am off of school for a week for Spring Break. FUCK YES! Well, almost off. Unfortunately, two of my teachers for my online classes have taken it upon themselves to assign work that is due during Spring Break. And not just work, but a quiz and a test. What the fuck? Seriously, are they even allowed to do that? If the school is closed, how can they assign work that is due during that time? I mean, if I was taking an in-school class it wouldn’t even be possible to do that because there would be no way to turn it in. Why should it be any different because it is an online class? I guess there’s not much I can do about it. If it were just some small assignment, I probably wouldn’t even do it, but since it’s a quiz and a test, I guess I have to. Those two teachers have officially earned the title of CUNT.

Well, that’s the shitty part about next week, but the BADASS part is that Dawn is coming to visit on Thursday!!! I’m SO fucking excited! It sucks that she can only be here from Thursday until Monday, but I don’t give a shit. I’ll just be so happy to see her, and anyway, it’s been FOREVER since she last came out this way. I wanna say it was about 2 years ago, so we’re going to have a blast! Since I know we’ll be going out and doing shit, I PROMISE I will bring my camera along and get some new pictures to put up here. I just have to make sure I do all of my schoolwork sometime between today and Wednesday, so I won’t have to worry about it when she gets here.

More good news…My big brother is getting MARRIED! He went to Japan to visit his girlfriend of 4 years in the middle of February, and he proposed to her. And of course she said yes, or he wouldn’t be getting married. Haha. But I’m really SO happy for him, and I love Nao to death, so it will be cool to have her as my sister-in-law. Plus, I’m pretty sure they’re going to have the wedding in Hawaii, so God knows I’m not complaining about taking a trip out there.

So that’s about all the news I have for now. I’ll post when I have more to say. Y’all have a SAFE and awesome Spring Break. Don’t be a fucking dumbass. Peace.

So it’s been FOREVER (as usual) since I posted here. I guess I got so caught up in school last semester. Making good grades is hard work. I officially ended up with 2 A’s and 2 B’s, so I’m really happy with the outcome. At least it will bring up my GPA from all of my previous half-ass attempts (or non-attempts) at school.

Well, Christmas was nice. I ended up getting “The War” DVDs and book. If you haven’t heard of it, it’s the Ken Burns film that was airing on PBS about World War II through the eyes of American veterans. It’s awesome, and if you’re like me and into anything involving WWII, you should definitely check it out. Also, I got the complete series of Seinfeld! FUCKING AWESOME! But more importantly, I got an iPhone, which I absolutely love. It’s awesome being able to check the internet and my email anytime I want. Like whenever someone tries to tell me I’m wrong about something, I can just immediately whip out my phone and google it, and be like, “Ha, biatch!” Just kidding…But not really. Anyway, overall it was an awesome Christmas. I have a couple of photos that I will add to the Miscellaneous folder from Christmas. It’s only 2 pictures, but I haven’t taken any in so long, and those are the only ones I have. And the only reason I even have those is because my brother’s girlfriend sent them in the mail.

Moving on, New Years was decent. It was like any other New Year’s really, at the bar drinking. Except for the fact that I couldn’t get drunk. Does that happen to anyone else or just me? Sometimes I go out wanting to get drunk. Usually I go, and I just want to have a few drinks and relax, but there are those rare times when I just want to get wasted, and New Year’s has proven to be one of them. So we went to a bar (of course), and I had quite a bit to drink, and I didn’t feel like I’d even had one beer. I mean, it was definitely still fun, as I don’t have to be drunk to have a good time, and I was happy as hell to hang out with some of my friends, but shit…It was New Year’s, and I wanted to get wasted, and I couldn’t. *sigh*

So, after Christmas (and getting to see my brother and his girlfriend), and after New Year’s, I was still so fucking happy that I was on break from school. But I still had to register for classes early, so I could get the classes I wanted. Well, in case I’ve never mentioned it, I took ballet for 13 years. I quit when I was 16, but I never stopped regretting it when I got older. Soooo, I registered for a ballet class at school, and I had to start working out early while on break because I’m not in good shape for ballet at all. So I pretty much spent the rest of my break working out and being lazy (if that even makes sense).

Anyway…The new semester is underway, and once again, I am bombarded with schoolwork, still ignoring my website, and feeling like I am in hell. I guess it’s because I was taking 12 hours last semester, and now I am taking 15, so it’s definitely extra weight on my shoulders. But I have ballet class to look forward to, and I’m really not bad at all after not dancing for 8 years. I picked it up again fast, and I look forward to doing it every week. It’s a break from school, and I’m getting credit for it. Not a bad deal. At the very least, it’s keeping me active while I’m in school, so I don’t gain all kinds of weight from sitting on my ass studying all the time. Which is what happened to me last semester. But I’m shedding it off quickly, as it wasn’t TONS of weight-gain, and I’m just really happy with all of my classes, except for my Physical Geology class with the 77 year-old teacher who has an Italian accent, but that’s a whole story in itself. He makes me want to commit suicide after the first 5 minutes of every class. But I guess everyone gets a teacher like that once in a while, so I’m going to shrug it off and try to understand what the fuck he’s even talking about half the time. [/random-ness]

Well, that’s about all that’s going on with me. I am an un-boring person with a very boring life, so yeah…sorry. I guess I have no reason/excuse for not keeping up with the website. Maybe it’s because not many people come to it anyway, or maybe I’m just lazy. I’ll get back to you on that. PEACE.

Edit: I also just uploaded some Halloween pics to the photo gallery.

So it’s been FOREVER since I’ve been on this site to update…Haha. Sorry as usual. So much has been going on…School is great. I’ve made nothing less than an A all semester so far, and I even got invited to join an honor society for psychology. How cool is that? Aside from school at the present moment, I think I’ve finally decided which university I’m going to transfer to to finish up school next fall. I’m going to apply to Adelphi University in Long Island, NY. It’s a smaller private college, which I think is better for me. I hated when I went to LSU how big it was, so I’m going to try something new. I’m still trying to figure out how ready I am to deal with New York weather, though. Who knows…we’ll see what happens.

I just got back from New Orleans on Monday…I flew there for Voodoo Fest, which was BADASS. I got to see Dawn, and I hung out with Nicole for a couple of nights there…We both took lots of pictures, so like I said, I will upload those when I am finished, and I will upload the ones she took as soon as she gets them on the internet. Besides being drunk, exhausted, and hungover the entire time I was there, the only thing that really sucked was that my wallet got stolen out of my purse when I went out one night…It had all my shit in there, so I had to get a police report just so I could get on the plane without an ID. And in Texas, when you go to get a duplicate license, they don’t just give it to you on the spot…They give you a slip of paper, and you have to wait up to 2 weeks to get the actual ID in the mail. So now it’s Halloween, and I don’t even know if I’ll be able to go out because I don’t have a picture ID, and I can’t find my passport anywhere. Shit, I couldn’t even buy cigarettes earlier, which is frustrating as hell since I’m 24 years old. On top of that, I had to cancel my credit cards, so I only have about $100 in cash on me, and I can’t go to the ATM. Guess if I need more money, I’ll have to go to the bank and fill out a withdrawal slip and all that fun shit. But all I really want back is my fucking ID!

Anyway, that’s about all that’s going on in my world. I’m going to upload the pics I took in New Orleans to my gallery sometime today, so check ‘em out then, or you can just view them on my myspace, which I believe is listed under my contact info. Y’all have a safe and Happy Halloween! Later.

My close, long-time friend, Glen, died in a car accident on Labor Day. His Mom just called us today and told us the news. He was only 25 and way too young to go. Plus, he has a 2 year-old son. It’s just sad as hell when you lose someone you pretty much grew up with. I’m so shocked, I don’t even know what to think. Too sad. What a shitty day. You can read the story here: http://www.ajc.com/metro/content/shared-blogs/ajc/copbriefs/entries/2007.09.03.192444.html.

Yes, I’m finally updating. Usually I wait until I start getting the comments asking me to update. That’s usually what it takes for me to realize it’s been a long time. Sorry sorry. Not much has been going on, honestly. I’ve mainly just been working. I went to Seattle about a week ago to visit my brother, but I forgot my camera, which sucks because I haven’t taken any new pictures since the beginning of July. LAME. All the pictures I have taken are on my friends’ cameras, and they don’t get online much to email them to me, so I’ll have to keep pushing for them to do that.

I had a birthday on the 15th, and it was more fun than my past couple of birthdays. I didn’t do anything big, just went out with a bunch of my friends from work and had some drinks. The past couple of years I didn’t really do shit, so it was a good time. I have pictures, but like I said, they’re on my friend’s camera, so maybe we’ll see those at some point…hopefully.

So summer is almost over, and I only have about 2 1/2 weeks until school starts back. My schedule is only shitty classes that I am required to take, but after this semester, I think I only have about 2 or 3 more required classes, so it should be smooth-sailing from there. This semester I’m taking History II, Government II, Humanities, and Speech. It’s seriously going to SUCK. I hate having a schedule without even ONE class that I want to take. But it’ll be over before I know it, so I’m just going to deal with it. On the bright side, I’ll be online a lot more once school starts, so I’ll probably have more time to update my site, since I won’t be working nonstop.

Anyway, that’s about all that’s going on with me. If anyone is going to hit up Voodoo Fest in New Orleans in October, let me know! I just got my weekend pass last night, so there’s no turning back now. Haha. Oh yeah, go check out Camtracks, yo. Later.

Edit: The Necro show was fucking awesome! We got to meet him and take some pics and kick it for a few minutes. Couldn’t have had a better time. The pics are up in the miscellaneous album of the photo gallery. Expect more pics soon because my birthday is coming up on the 15th, and I think Dawn is coming in town! I can’t believe I’m going to be 24. Craziness. This summer has been badass so far. Anyway, I’m off to get ready for work, so I’ll post again soon.  If you’re bored, go visit Camtracks…or something. Later.

Sorry I haven’t written shit since forever ago.  It’s definitely been awhile since I came back from New Orleans.  The trip was awesome.  I got to see my close friends, so it was sweet.  And other than that, I’ve just been working, working, working.  I’ve been pretty busy with that, so I haven’t had much time on the computer.  I post a lot more when I’m in school because I’m always around the computer.  So let me have my summer break, damnit!  (Some of you complainers know who you are).  Anyway, I don’t have much time now, but just saying I’m still alive.  I’m going to the Necro show tomorrow in Houston, so expect plenty of pictures and maybe even some video if I can get my video camera in there.  I’ll post again when I get back.